Nathan

Our precious baby boy, Nathan, was born Friday, January 21, 2011 at 10:49am. He was 6 inches long and weighed 1.7 ounces. I was 15 weeks pregnant with him.

At my regular prenatal appointment on Wednesday, the doctors could not find a heartbeat. After concluding that a hemmorrhage in my uterus had caused Nathan's placenta to detach, they induced my labor Thursday night. Mike and I went to the hospital early Friday morning and Nathan was born several hours later. He was so perfect and beautiful in every way. We didn't really know what to expect because we had never seen a baby so tiny, but he was perfect. That's the only way I can describe him. The nurses and doctor were so very kind and gave us all the time we wanted to hold him and love on him. We cried. We prayed. We cried some more. We took pictures and talked to him. We prayed and told God that He had formed him in my womb and belonged to Him from the beginning and we were grateful for the 15 weeks I carried him. He is resting so peacefully in Jesus' arms now; it is such a comfort to know we will see him again one day, along with his four brothers/sisters that are there too.

After the nurses took Nathan away, Mike and I held each other and cried. Crying is good, it lets your emotions and feelings out. God meant for humans to cry. We shouldn't waste our tears, but there is a time for weeping. Grief is hard, but you have to pass through it. We are passing through it now. We are sharing and letting go. God has been so very good to us; He has given us three beautiful living children that we cherish and love so much! It doesnt lessen pain though, to think of what you have, because you can only think of what you've lost. In time, Nathan's birth and death will not be as painful. When I hear a newborn's cry, I won't cry. When I see a tiny diaper or a pregnant mother, I won't cry. I will be happy. Life will go on. Our saddness will fade and the sun will shine again.

But right now I am grieving. I have lost. I am empty of the babe that I was carrying. God is here beside me, holding me. Mike is here beside me, holding me. My family and friends are holding me. The prayers of so many of holding me. I will get through.

My sweet Nathan, one day I will hold you in heaven with a smile on my face and we will see Jesus together! I love you and will never forget you. I will always have a place for you in my heart!